How to play the Saxophone

from a post to alt.music.saxophone by fundoc


> Hi, is there someone who can give me some directions about playing the sax?
> I've just purchased one and would love to know how to play it??
> Some helpful weblinks would also be great!!


First things first. If you're a white guy you'll need a stupid hat, the stupider
the better and preferably a beret. Sunglasses are optional, but all the really
really good players wear them, especially indoors. You'll also need some "gig
shirts" -- Hawaiians are good, in a pinch anything with a loud floral pattern is
acceptable, as are T shirts from various jazz clubs and festivals. The good
thing about the latter is that you can get them mail order, so you don't have to
go to all the trouble of actually seeing live music. And sandals are an absolute
must, even in winter.

Once you've assembled the proper attire you can begin practicing. One of the
most important things about playing is being able to convey emotion to the
audience. This you do through various facial expressions. The two emotions
you'll need to convey are (1) rapture slash ecstasy and (2) soul wrenching pain
and sadness (i.e., the blues).
You may find it useful in the beginning to borrow a page from the method acting
school. So, for example, to convey rapture try thinking of something nice, like
puppy dogs or getting a rim job from Uma Thurman while Phil Barone feeds you
Armor hot dogs with truffle sauce. To convey the "blues" try thinking of
something really really appalling, like ulcerative colitis or Alec Baldwin. You
should practice your facial expressions in front of a mirror at least two hours
per day. You may feel a tad stupid at first, but you'll never get the chicks if
you don't jump around on stage like a monkey with your face all screwed up like
there's a rabid wolverine in your colon, believe you me. And bottom line, chicks
is really what music's all about.

Next, you'll need the correct ligature. Some people think that the ligature is
just a stupid piece of old metal that holds the reed on the mouthpiece. Well,
those people are idiots. Besides your beret the ligature is the single most
important piece of musical equipment you will ever buy. Mine, for example, is
40% platinum and 60% titanium; one screw is rubidium and the other plutonium. It
makes me sound exactly like Booker Ervin would if Booker Ervin were (1) not dead
and (2) on Mars, if (2)(a) there was oxygen on Mars. You may have to spend years
and years and thousands of dollars finding the proper ligature, but in the end
it will definitely be worth it.

Now: reeds. Optimally you'll want to move to Cuba, grow and cure your own cane
and carve your own reeds by hand. If you're just a "weekend warrior" however,
you can get by with store-bought. First, buy ten boxes of reeds, 100 in all.
Next, open all the boxes and throw away 60 reeds. Those were unplayable. Take
the remaining reeds and soak them in a mixture of 27.8 % rubbing alcohol and
72.2 % pituitary gland extract for a period of 17 weeks. Throw away 20 more
reeds. Those were stuffy. Take the remaining 20 reeds and sand each one for
exactly 13 seconds with #1200 grade 3M sandpaper. Throw away 14 reeds. Those
squeaked. Take the remaining 6 reeds and soak them for another 17 weeks, this
time however in a mixture of 27.8% pituitary gland extract and 72.2 % rubbing
alcohol. Sun dry the 6 remaining reeds for 3 weeks, optimally at an equatorial
latitude, and throw away 3 more just on general principles. You now have 3 reeds
that will last you several months if you play each one only 20 minutes a day in
strict rotation.

Now, you say you just bought a horn. Although you didn't say what kind it is I'd
sell it immediately and get a different one. The best one to get would be a
Selmer Mark VI made at 4:27 PM on June 14, 1963, serial number 635543. If you
can't get that one though, generally speaking the older and more expensive the
better. The following brands are good: Selmer Paris Mark VI. The following
brands suck: any other Selmer, Yamaha, Conn, Beuscher, Yanigasawa, Cannonball,
LA, Jupiter, Elkhart, King, Martin, Keilworth, Boosey and Hawkes, Couf,
Silvertone, and Holton. On no account should you play the horn before you buy
it: go strictly on reputation and price. If you can't get a Mark VI and need
further information, there's some broad in here who's owned every freaking
saxophone ever made, Sherry or Sheryl or something, she can probably tell you
which one's the best.

You will also need some accoutrements: a flight case capable of withstanding
atmospheric pressure of dP =  - Dg dz where D and g are, respectively, the
density of air and the acceleration due to gravity at the altitude of the air
layer and dz is a horizontal layer of air having unit surface area and
infinitesimal thickness; a metronome; a tuner; a combination alto, tenor
baritone sax stand with pegs for an oboe, bass clarinet, flute, English horn and
bassoon; Band in a Box; every Jamie Abersold play along record ever created; a
reed cutter; swabs, cleaners, pad savers, pad dope, pad clamps; a Sennheiser
Digital 1092 Wireless Microphone; an effects rig with digital delay and
parametric EQ; and a 200 watt (per channel, minimum) amplifier and 18" monitor.

It will be helpful if you listen to lots of sax players. Unfortunately,
listening solely to players you like is absolutely the worst thing you can do.
To really understand the music and its traditions you have to go back to the
beginning and listen to every bit of music ever recorded. I'd start with
madrigals and work forward. Once you get to the 20th century pay particular
attention to players like Jimmy Dorsey and Sidney Bechet, the well-springs of
the modern jazz saxophone. In no time at all, or by 2034, whichever comes first,
you'll be able to understand the unique be-bop stylings of players like Ace
Cannon, Boots Randolph and Grover Washington Jr.

Finally, to play the sax itself, blow in the small end and move your fingers
around.

HTH, and good luck.